Government officials have announced that they plan to introduce a disc jockey occupancy charge to all social housing in England and Wales.

The Bedroom DJ Tax, that is rumoured to be coming in to effect in England and Wales on 1st June this year, will see thousands of occupants having to pay a monthly premium for having a DJ in an unoccupied bedroom.

It now looks set that anybody with a fully functioning bedroom DJ located in a small upstairs box room will either have to pay the monthly charge, or downsize to a smaller property, putting the bedroom DJ out on the street.

Larry Baboon from BDJA, the Bedroom DJ Association spoke out against the proposed reform, ‘This is simply abhorrent, Bedroom DJ’s have brought both pleasure and misery to countless residents over the years, they are institutional to the core values of living in the UK ,  yet the introduction of the Bedroom DJ Tax will see thousands struggle with the financial implications of this and will have no other option other than to downsize their property, forcing a bedroom DJ out into the wild to find for themselves’

Mr Baboon went on to add; ‘Bedroom DJ’s are highly domesticated creatures and cannot sustain an existence within nightclubs like normal DJ’s. In nightclubs they have stages or booths where the DJ performs to hundreds or thousands of clubbers. The natural habitat of the bedroom DJ is a set of CDJ1000’s balanced on the cooker top in the kitchen, as they broadcast to literally several people through Facebook Live’.

I then spoke with government spokesperson; Harry Fuckmonkey about the proposed changes,  ‘For generations, humans and Bedroom DJ’s have lived together in harmony. But we are now living in an age where there is a housing crisis that has lead genuine families living in overcrowded conditions, where others live in houses which are too big for them, solely for the purpose of having a bedroom DJ within that property‘.

Another key factor of the increase in bedroom DJ’s is the introduction of the Sync button. Whereas before, we had talented people operating 1210’s, the sync button has led to a 3500% increase in the number of bedroom DJ’s operating in multiple occupancy dwellings.

Our proposed plan is for occupants to pay a premium for the privilege of housing a bedroom DJ, or they move to a dwelling which is adequate for their living needs’. When asked about what will happen to those bedroom DJ’s who become displaced Mr Fuckmonkey simply said “fuck them” before going on to add “they’ve been turned down by many local small night promoters down years on the basis of their very weak and poorly recorded demo’s, they are hardy creatures who have become immune to rejection”.

The government plans see a sliding scale fee for those intending to remain in their property and keep their bedroom DJ privileges. Those who own a DJ operating on a Pioneer XDJ-RX will have to pay £50 per month. Those who’s bedroom DJ’s operate on a pair of Pioneer CDJ1000’s purchased 2nd hand from Cash Converters will expect to pay £35 per month. Whereas those operating with Vestax turntables will killed for being some sort of weirdo.

The government are also planing to introduce a Facebook Live Tax for home based DJ’s, although details on this are currently not clear. It is however believed that any bedroom DJ broadcasting via the Facebook Live function will be ordered to pay £1,000 per time. It is believed that this fee is to deter bedroom DJ’s from displaying their shit skills and even worse soft furnishings to the world.

Those who broadcast on Facebook Live from the kitchen of the property, with a backdrop of a pile of washing up along side a Fosters pint glass stolen from a pub that’s half full of Ribena can expect to pay £5,000 per broadcast.

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