I firstly want to confess… I almost got lost in creating ‘an image’ of myself, or Stroppy as it were, and almost bent the truth and I’m even not entirely sure why?
So yesterday was the third time I’ve played live… there I go again, it was actually the second.
So CODA, then Friday Night Revivals, then On The Sesh with Trance Girls. Only I pre-recorded the FNR one like a fairy, I had my reasons. The set was dedicated to my boy Cassius and featured the track I’ve always said is from me to him (and sang embarrassingly badly to him in the car since he was new)… it’s Space Brothers – Shine, in case you were wondering, (although you’d know this if you’d seen the stream lol), so this carried a little extra weight for me. I also wasn’t sure how I’d react to seeing myself on a screen, and became far too self-conscious of the fact that people would be sat at home with a brew, judging, pulling me to bits, mocking me in the cold light of day without the forgiving sanctuary of a dark lit, loud nightclub, plied with booze and friends….
Would they though? Honestly, yeh… maybe? But not everyone. You’ll always get a select few that have negative things to say of course, but you have to be made of stronger stuff than these people.
Although I felt a huge sense of empowerment being a part of an all female line up, I also felt that I really needed to hold my own here. It’s one (massive) thing being on any line up, but being amongst some of the top female names in Trance I really needed to put my big girl pants on and step up. Maybe that’s why the nerves seemed to go out of the window and I was just filled with pure unadulterated excitement as soon as my eyes opened on that morning. It still carried me through even when I was rejigging my set 5 minutes before going live (planned sets vs off the cuff… can we stick a pin in that one… (I can’t believe I’ve just slid in an office buzz phrase paahaha, but seriously). I was just so excited about what I had to share that I absolutely had to do it live.
WHAT A RUSH!
Even when I pre recorded the FNR Classics mix (check out my SoundCloud if you’ve not heard it, wink wink). I was a jittery mess even recording it, and pretty much vibrating when it was put out on the night through nerves. Yet, I was almost cool as penguin pee on the day of the On The Sesh with Trance Girls UK.
I HAD that courage of conviction!! Because not only do I buy into what I play, but each track is meticulously selected and comes straight from my heart with soul and passion, and I wanted everyone on board of my fun bus. I guess this out weighed the fear of ridicule and embarrassment this time.
Now don’t get me wrong, was my performance flawless? Absolutely not. How much room for technical improvement? A quarter of a metric fuck tonne. Did I achieve what I set out to do? Yes and then some.
This new platform for nights out (nights in) has opened up a portal for reach and feedback that you wouldn’t normally be privy to from a club night, and as I sat Sunday morning and read through the twitch chat from my set, I’m not ashamed to admit I had runny eyes.
There weren’t just comments from my wonderfully supportive friends. People were feeling my vibe, they were catching what I was throwing with both arms and they were all aboard my fun bus!
Presentation Presentation Presentation
Not only did I feel flattered left right and centre for my slightly risqué style (rule book straight out of the window), but I noticed that people fed off my general dancing around like a berk because I was fully immersed in my moment. I mean watching back, I was pulling some pretty ridiculous faces and bouncing around from start to finish. The funny thing is before I’d pre-recorded a set I was worried about looking wooden or even like I was having forced fun, but nope… everything you saw was just Stroppy (or not, as the name suggests).
Now don’t think that I haven’t scrutinised and felt the light in my giddy little heart dim a little when I briefly listened back and heard my less than perfect set.
I won’t lie, I was very apprehensive about listening back because I had SO much fun doing it that I kind of didn’t want to spoil that for myself. But I was caringly yet forcefully made to watch it by my mentor (and manager now apparently 😂), because he was proud and felt that I should be too. When he saw my heart sink he swooped in with his glorious wisdom…
“But look at what you were doing 4 months ago, and how far your abilities have progressed”
He was right. I was proud of myself!
I look like I know what I’m doing on the video (novel hey), and I was actually trying things I’d never tried before! Risky yes, but I really wasn’t in control of myself at the time. I was cartwheeling through wonderland with the mad hatter. I was touching things that I was afraid to on my debut.
This was pretty cool. This was hella cool!
So yeh, was my performance flawless? Absolutely not. How much room for technical improvement? A quarter of a metric fuck tonne. Did I achieve what I set out to do? Absofuckingly.
P.S. The girls brought it! 💜✌🏽